As I pack up this apartment, I am accosted by feelings; guilt, trepidation, failure, joy, loss. This place has seen me go through my highest of highs and the very lowest of lows. From tears and self-loathing to finding my strength and picking myself up off the floor (literally).
It’s time to move on. It’s time to officially close this chapter. It’s time to say goodbye to the person I was. Because who I was through the pretense of happiness, through the anxiety, through the ending of an engagement, through the sobs alone in the night… that person doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve spent a lot of time looking in the rearview over the past 6 months – focusing on what I’ve lost, whom I’ve lost, and the loss of that woman I once was.
I had an incredibly heart-felt talk with my therapist over the weekend and she was able to illuminate the best way to wade through my feelings:
- It’s not loss. I am simply gaining anew.
- If people cannot accept the evolved and new version of myself… that’s not on me.
Some things that used to matter to me, my former focuses and drives… they are not there anymore. I’ve found myself in the very losing of myself. Turns out, an unexpected fall out of my recent decisions has caused drifting, judgment, and fear from those closest to me. I can see it in their eyes “what are you thinking?”
To that I answer… I am not thinking. I am done calculating my next move. I am done looking around for outside affirmations on how to best live my life. Things look so very different from the outside looking in and I’ve spent my life chasing those nods from society. Guess what? That didn’t get me anywhere I wanted to be. It didn’t feel the way I thought it would feel. 500 likes on an Instagram post didn’t do anything to quell the loneliness – it simply and momentarily hushed the unhappy voice inside.
What does life look like now? Fuck that. What does life feel like now? It feels daunting. It feels uncomfortable. It feels like taking myself on a first date over and over again – learning how to process my newly found self. But guess what… it feels RESPECTABLE. It feels real and meaningful…even if it’s raw. I opened a wound of many years when I ripped off that Band-Aid and admitted to myself I wasn’t happy. That cut, that ever so deep cut, will take a long while to heal. So be gentle with me world, be patient with me friends. I am learning how to live more in tune with myself. For the first time in a long time, there is an acceptance. The acceptance that in order to fully live, one must lean into the chaos, one must let go of any notions of actual control… and just be.
I am working on just being. Stay tuned…